I’ll Quit as The Empress

“I… I didn’t want to make you suffer.” Fabian spoke in hushed tones at Evelyn, who didn’t budge.

“When I proposed to you, I knew you were hesitating. Even the Felice Kingdom…… gave a sceptical response. So did the Empire, and so did everyone.” said Fabian.

“Your wife, the Empress, wasn’t happy. My mother used to say that, too. I knew everything about it, but I still wanted to marry you, so I stopped being greedy. So I wanted to make up for my selfishness a little bit.” This was the first time he had spoken long-winded.

“What do you mean…?” Evelyn felt confused.

“I hoped you didn’t get tired of taking care of meaningless works in the Empress Palace. I didn’t want you to waste your mind and body mingling with the hypocrite nobles. I was afraid that such extravagant work would make you tired and unhappy.”

Evelyn blinked her eyes, “Why you never said that…… .”

“My mother always said it’s all boring and horrible, and of course I knew you would think the same way……because you didn’t ask me, so, I thought I was doing the right thing.”

She scared. Evelyn didn’t want to hear it in person if Fabian regarded her as an incompetent Empress or if he didn’t expect anything from her.

“Even so, why? Why did you only show your sleeping face? Your Majesty didn’t give me anything else, so how could you know I didn’t like it? I wanted to wait for you.” Her innermost voice that had been buried deep inside Evelyn’s heart burst out.

“For me, who came from faraway Kingdom to the Empire to get married …… what else was there besides waiting for Your Majesty? That was my only joy. I wanted to welcome you with a smile every time you came, and as a wife, I would like to send you off every morning with a bright appearance. All couples …… isn’t it like that?” she cried.

“Doing things like that …… Isn’t that what we call marriage?” Evelyn believed that marriage was like that. So, she was willing to take Fabian’s hand. The reason she decided to leave the Felice Kingdom that she loved so much was that she wanted to spend her life with Fabian as his wife.

“……..You were sick.” Fabian abruptly spat out a clumsy remark. “When the parliament was in the midst of a row over the territorial line issue in the north.”

Evelyn couldn’t remember about that time exactly. Still, Fabian clearly said, “I had to look at the astrological stars and go to bed and go out to see morning stars again.”

Even so, Fabian insisted on staying in the Empress Palace. Even if his sleeping hours were reduced, he wanted to be with Evelyn, because they were a couple.

“Then, in less than a week, I had to hear that you collapsed in the garden while I was holding the congress.”

Only then did Evelyn recall the incident. It wasn’t a big deal, so she had forgotten about it. Doctors said she had mild anemia, a congenital disease that she occasionally had since she was a child.

“At that time, for the first time after ascending the throne, I felt helpless. Even though you weren’t far away, even though I could run straight to your place, I couldn’t stop congress. Because my soldiers were risking their lives to protect the northern region. “

The day’s events weren’t recorded anywhere. Because Fabian didn’t exaggerate it. Even more so, considering Evelyn was weak, Fabian tried to keep Evelyn away from Empire affairs. He didn’t want to trouble and made Evelyn stressful because she was his wife.

“You had anemia and fatigue seven times that year.” Fabian kept talking.

Evelyn didn’t remember, because she never counted the number of times she’d passed out. After all, it was just a trivial matter.

“When you passed out for the second time, I told you not to wait for me at night anymore. There was no other choice. Every time I heard news like that, I felt terrible …… and I couldn’t focus on my official duties. “

He still recalled it, a disastrous feeling first appeared in his mind. For Fabian, who was born as a Prince and grew stronger than anyone, It was incomprehensible to him.

On the contrary, it was a common occurrence for Evelyn, who had a weak body since childhood. The two of them were so different.

“One day.” Fabian’s low voice rang out. “The palace chief told me that you had a nosebleed. Those were the days when you waited for me every night. That was the time when I went to see the morning star every day.” Fabian’s voice became emotional.

“I …… what am I supposed to do then? I really didn’t know. I swear, there’s never been a moment, when I thought of pushing you away.”

Tuk…..Evelyn felt something was falling into her heart. It was as if a new sprout had grown, and grief slowly dropped into her heart like a flower bud.

“No …… Why should I push you away?” Fabian’s hands that were hugging her body felt hot. “But,… I was forcibly taking you. Because of my greed and selfishness, I proposed to you.”

One of the most difficult things for Fabian to understand so far was Evelyn’s reason for divorce.

She always called him a heartless and uncaring person. Whereas the opposite happened, he was still thinking about Evelyn. He never left her far from his heart. Fabian would have let Evelyn go if he could.

“I had known from the beginning. From the moment I first saw you. I thought you were too free and bright to be locked up in the Imperial Palace. But I couldn’t take my eyes off you. Your bright smile, your lively gestures, even your sweet voice.”

What Fabian was concerned about when he got married, wasn’t the opposition of others. He was worried about Evelyn’s future, which she had to live as an Empress because of him. His conscience felt guilty. Maybe that was Fabian’s first mistake in their marriage.

“I am the Emperor. I was born that way. It won’t change until the day I die. “

The Emperor’s life in this Empire was all the same. He, who became the Emperor, had to be strong and unshakable. He couldn’t be a man, a someone, or a husband. The Emperor was only the Emperor. He couldn’t be someone else.

“But the pain belongs to me. It’s mine. Never, I can’t pass it to you. I made a vow to myself before I proposed to you. I won’t make you unhappy because I’m the Emperor.”

Fabian’s mind wasn’t wrong. But why did they become so far away?

“Why….? If you told me that, then… … we might not have come this far.” Evelyn said hoarsely.

“But if I told you, you would be sad. For me….”

“……yes.”

“I hated it. Looking back, maybe it was my childish pride.” he stuttered.

Evelyn shook her head. It was Fabian’s sincerity that made his fate harsher. A man who couldn’t just hate someone. Now he looked so pathetic and broke her heart.

“I just didn’t want to burden you with the Empress’ things.” Fabian didn’t regret it. Even if he went back to the past, he didn’t know any other way. It was the best thing for her.

“But we couldn’t even become a couple.” Evelyn spat out a bitter word.

“For me, it’s a couple. I’ve always wanted to.” Fabian sighed shortly. Then he smiled a little. “There’s something that I should never have done….”

“Your Majesty?”

“Well, I broke my oath at the crowning ceremony.”

Evelyn’s eyes widened as Fabian wouldn’t do such a thing.

“Evelyn, in front of you…… sometimes I tried to forget that I’m an Emperor.” Fabian looked very tired when he said those words.

It was a strange thing. In this world, no one really worried about him even though it was evident that no one could replace his role for a week.

“When I saw you sleeping next to me, I could erase my fate at that moment.”

Fabian was born as a strong man with the Emperor’s fate, and a nobleman. He was utterly different from ordinary people. Even Evelyn had the same mind as others. She never thought that Fabian was in distress. He was always relaxed and had the Emperor’s dignity.

“At that time, I could only feel that I was the husband of a woman. Perhaps, if there were any happy times in my life, it would be a moment like that ……I guess.” His voice sounded really serene. But it scratched Evelyn’s heart violently.

“Don’t” Fabian looked at Evelyn with sad eyes. “Don’t make such a face. I didn’t mean to make you like this.”

At one point, Evelyn’s eyes were red.

“I’m sorry.” Fabian apologized to her quickly, “I was just trying to explain……Just forget it.”

Fabian didn’t want to see Evelyn cried again. He was regretting that he had brought up some useless words. He would instead remain as an indifferent man, but his heart felt heavy because it seemed that he had hurt Evelyn in the past.

“Ha…….” A deep sigh soaked Fabian’s lips after Evelyn started to shed a tear.

“Please don’t cry….” Fabian held Evelyn in one arm, and he wiped her tears with his other hand. Evelyn managed to hold back her tears which trying to come out more.

“Just ignore what I said. I’m a heartless and bad person.”

“How can I forget what I’ve already heard?” Evelyn sobbed and bit her lips hard.

“Then my heart hurts because I feel like I’ve made you cry again.”

“It’s the same with me.” Evelyn didn’t hide her eyes this time, “Your Majesty, you also shed tears earlier.”

“I never did that.” Fabian immediately denied it.

“I’ve already seen it, so I can’t forget it.”

Evelyn would never forget it.

“It’s your illusion.” He coughed in a low voice.

“No, you did. I saw it. And I won’t forget.” For a moment, Evelyn looked silently at Fabian’s face, forgetting that she was now in his arms.

Evelyn noticed he looked a bit different. His dry lips, the dark shadow under his eyes, his thin face and his eyes that had the same emotions as her.

“Don’t look at it too much.” Fabian tried to turn his face away. But Evelyn patiently followed his face and stared at it again.

“……You would rather be angry.” Fabian sighed.

“Is that so?” Evelyn’s persistent glance finally fell. But, the atmosphere between them was definitely different than usual.

“Yes. It’s better than looking at my face like that. It’s the same face anyway.”

“Different.”

Fabian was stunned. He wondered if he had heard wrong or Evelyn’s voice sounded affectionate.

“No……it’s different”, whispered Evelyn again.

Suddenly, their eyes met. Evelyn was seeing more in Fabian’s eyes now than in other moments so far.

“What we didn’t know about each other……I guess it was the same.” Fabian asked back with his dark eyes.

“Why didn’t I know then?”

“What’s the difference?”

“Your Majesty now looks exhausted. Like me.”

“Yeah, I am”, Fabian answered in a low voice.

“And I think you’re sad…….like a person.”

Fabian paused, holding his breath for a moment. Then soon, he had a faint, sad smile, “Is it the same as you?”

Evelyn couldn’t say anything. She believed that she could throw away her love and sadness. She had a happy time even after leaving him. As he said, it was all in the past.

Only

“Yes…….”

But Evelyn couldn’t lie. Once in her death, once in her own decision, she had to lose Fabian. It wasn’t an easy matter at all.

Evelyn seemed to have cut off half of her heart when she had to let him go. She also realized that the feeling of emptiness and loss didn’t disappear until the day she died.

“Even now, still? ……Like I am?”

The sorrow hadn’t been forgotten. And Evelyn just lived with that sadness.

“Yes.”

That’s what the breakup was. To endure forever, to the day of death, losing someone you loved.